Heh. Hy guess it iz my borthday. Hy completely forgot about it until Dimo gave me a present.

Two hunnert und seexty-three. Demn. Seems like only yezterday Hy hit de two-century mark. Time flies vhen hyu iz oldt. Und hyu apparently forgets hyu own borthday.

[Filtered to Dimo][Hard to hack]

Thenks, sveethot. Mebbe Hy iz de oldt man dis time. *chuckles*

Captain! Hy tinks Hy sees dem. It'z a really beeg ship, all fancy und shtuff. It'z got a couple shmaller guys around it. Dot's de vun ve's lookink for, yah?

Ho vait, dere's two more ...

Vot de-... ehm, Captain? Hy tink ve gots company. If my memory ain't trickink me, dot's de Victoria II not too far off. Dere's anodder ship near it bot Hy dun recognize it. My guess iz dot if it'z friendly vit de Ivonan ship, it ain't gun be friendly to us.

It'z on! It'z on dere goot! It ain't comink off again enny time soon. HA! Hyu all should come see my new hend. It'z kind of svollen und bruised und bandaged op right now und Hy can't really moof it dot vell... bot at least it'z dere und dot's better dan before! De Mistress sez it vill only be a month or two before it'z completely beck to normal. Although, it'z been zo long, Hy can't remember vot heffink a normal right hend feels like. Dot mechanical vun vos zo shlow und clunky und shtiff. Vill be nize, Hy tinks.

Oh! Vhere'z de captain? Hyu guys get her beck yet or does Hy heff to feed zumbody deir legs?

Although, if she ain't beck yet dot chust means dot Hy gets to help now. Hmmm...

Hey, hyu guys? It dun sound to me like ennybody iz doink ennytink to help de captain. Hy dunno if hyu guys ain't sure vot to do or if hyu iz chust lazy, bot dese keednappers iz preety shtupid und should be easy to track down. Dey iz makink op a plan as dey go so dey probably ain't doink moch to cover deir trail. If hyu vaits until ve gets beck de captain could be halfvay across de continent by den. Go NOW!

Mamma, hyu can sniff out deir scent easy enough, right? Efferybody else look for clues in de captain's cabin. Dis ain't brain surgery, pipples. De longer hyu vaits de colder de trail iz gun be.

Ve be home in a couple days. DUN VAIT UNTIL DEN OR HY IZ GUN RIP OFF HYU LEGS UND FEED DEM TO HYU!

*mutters to himself about lazy people before the recording clicks off*

*audible sigh* Ve leafs de ship for a few days und hyu guys goes und loses de captain?

Hokay, vell dun do ennytink else shtupid. Ve be beck soon und den ve gets dis mess sorted out. For now dere ain't nottink ve can do vhile ve iz here in Mechanicsburg.

Vell, tomorrow Hy goes under de knife und gets a new hend. Heh... really iz a great present.

Heppy Lunasa, efferybody.

*laughs long and hard*

Ho boy! How de hell did ve get ourselves into dis vun?

Vell efferybody, heff fon embarrassink hyuselfs on live radio. Hy iz gun sit beck und vatch de eediocy. *chuckles some more* Hy bet de Captain chust loffs dis.

[ooc: Yes, he has completely ignored Dimo's post about getting involved... or any of his other friends or people he respects for that matter. He's not trying to be a douche, he's just a little ignorant. And maybe a little bored.]

Woah! I got 12 months paid time too! Did anybody else get this wonderful gift?

And who the heck is doing this? Whoever it is, THANK YOU!!!!

*goes to upload more yummy Maxim icons*

Who de hell iz trowink paper bords effervhere? Vun chust landed on my hat. Hy tink it likes me. *sounds of rustling paper*

It says...

...

Uh.

"Hyu und hyu vife vill be happy in hyu life togedder."

...

*laughs long and hard*

Now dis iz excitement! Hy vos begginink to meess my regular dose of terrorism.

[Filtered to other Jägers | Medium security]

Hy only vish dot ve had gotten de pleasure of carryink out dot task. Vot Hy vouldn't giff to see zum Ivonan politicians go boom!

HOY! Dimo! Vhy din't hyu tell me hyu gots beaten op by a leedle gorl? All dis time Hy iz so rough vit hyu, bot from now on Hy should be more careful. Hyu iz so breakable!

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT! Efferybody be'z gentle vit Dimo, hokay?

*muffled snickering is heard right before the recording cuts out*

Oy! Zeetha! Vhy de hell iz ve in de same town und not out drinkink? Dot iz a disgrace! Dollink, vhy iz hyu disappointing me? Und after all ve has been trough togedder... *gives a fake sniffle*

*snorts with laughter* Dimo, vhy de hell hyu gots a dress und a bonch of vimmen's jewelry all hidden avay in dot chest? Dere zumtink hyu ain't tellink me?

[ooc: This is WAY backdated to just before the interrogations and all that Doma poisoning stuff.]

Great. Chust vot Hy needed. Gott demn it!

*a few seconds pass while he calms himself and gets his temper under control*

If anyvun iz needink me to do chores dot reqvires two hands... hyu probably gonna vant to ask zumvun else. My prosthetic arm, uh, it dun vork no more.

[Filtered to Mamma | Easy to hack]

Mamma! Can hyu get it off for me? Iz chust gettink in de vay now.

[Private | Easy to hack]

GOTT FUCKING DAMN IT! SCHEISSE!

*a small crash is heard*

How de hell iz Hy goink to fight now? How does Hy do anytink?!

*a loud sigh before the recording clicks off*

[ooc: An incapacitated Jäger is a grumpy Jäger.]

I am ashamed of my country for the last time. From this day forward I no longer consider myself Ivonan.

[Filtered to Mamma Gkika | Hard to hack but written in Russian for more security]

Я мог заглотать некоторую воду Doma после гонки птицы. Возможно я должен прийти вижу вас?

[Translation: "I might have ingested some Doma water after the chocobo race. Maybe I should come see you?"]

Dere's de vord from de Captain. Raidink pipple, stick togedder. Hy dun vant to heff to go lookink for anyvun. Hy'm gonna round op de passengers forst.

Hokay, pipple... VE HUNT!

[ooc: Just assume Maxim assigned teams. Honestly, team up with whomever. And if anyone wants to help Maxim with the passengers feel free. Otherwise I'll be tagging by myself, lol.]

Hokay pipple, ve iz goink RAIDINK! If hyu iz commink vit us Hy needs hyu to shpeak op here und Hy vill divide efferybody into groups.

Den ve gonna heff zum FON, yah?

[ooc: Oh dear, Winry has allowed Maxim to lead the raiding parties. Get ready for some mad, Jäger-y pillaging. How I divide up the groups depends on how many people volunteer so right now it's kind of a grab-bag.]

Vait chust a Gottdamned minute! Vot iz all dis scheisse about licensing und registration fees for demi-humans? Ennybody tries to get me to pay fees iz gonna find dere town burned down. Vhere de hell did dey get de idea dot ve iz terrorists?! De forst person dot accuses me of beink a terrorist iz gonna get dere head removed! Vot dey gonna tax us for next? Killink shtuff? "Hoy! Hy see hyu iz killink somevun. Dere iz a tax, sir!" Dis iz de shtupidest ting Hy ever heard of.

[ooc: No, Maxim isn't taking into account the fact that it's probably people like him that this act is meant to target. He's just ranting blindly.]

Hoy! Hyu guys vot loff fightink! Come meet me on de deck for zum sparring. Dere iz prizes for de pipple dot aktually beat me! Becoz it ain't gonna happen zo dot mean Hy gets to keep efferyting. *snicker*

...

No, really. Hy vent und bought zum shtuff. Booze, food, fun souvenirs if hyu likes dot kinda ting...

Hoy! Hyu keeds is vantink zum fon on de Long Night, yah? Get over here to my place! Dere vill be games und drinks und lots of food provided by de lovely Lydia from Shaney's.

Oh! Iz a costume party zo come dressed op! Make us leff, make us cry, vhatever hyu vants. Hy iz hopink to see de ladies in slinky nifty shtuff, hokay? So dun let me down now.

Colvus! Hey, dis is my town! Hy should shtop by de house und make sure Varmy iz lookink after it okay. Und mebbe Hy should visit zum pipple, make sure dey ain't dead, shtuff like dot. Dot turkey farmer iz probbly gonna hunt me down vhen he find out Hy iz in town. Neffer vos very happy about me leavink. Said all de monsters vould come beck und kill his stock. Dot nut. Bot hey, if he tink Hy iz dot goot at keepink dem at bay, Hy ain't complainink.

Oh hey, Reno, hyu vos tokkink about buyink everyvun drinks? Vell dere iz dis bar in town dot's owned by a friend of mine. She giff us discounts! Find zum pipple und ve go!